14 Jun Covid-19 vs. Me, Myself and I!
It’s been a pretty rough couple of months / weeks being abroad alone during this pandemic. When I made a choice just months ago to start a new life on the other side of the world, wanting to go on amazing adventures and travel and live life I didn’t actually think that I would be stuck at home most of the time.
Being quarantined in my own home, isolated from the world, scared of going outside and keeping that to a minimum and if then only with restrictions, wearing facemasks and gloves. The issue simply was though I didn’t even want to go outside. Hearing a guy coughing outside my window every night surely didn’t help. I was stuck at home doing nothing, well it felt like nothing anyway.
It was pretty bad in the beginning fighting with depression and not as I said really knowing what to do with myself, picked up some hobbies same as you all I assume. Moving abroad is already extremely exhausting and then being in a pandemic like that even more scary. I felt like being in a prison at times, doesn’t help probably that I just moved into a new apartment that felt like home but somehow didn’t, with people that you don’t know all that well, if you even had the time to meet people yet, with a room that you try to decorate but still not quite fit in yet.
It’s a different country, it’s a different language. However, the scariest part for me is not knowing anyone. Let’s be real when are we ever really alone? I mean really alone, alone in person and then alone without our phones. These days you are always connected, but what happens when you move to the other side of the world with a different time zone. Everyone you know is not only not here but also not available, well they are all asleep and basically, they have to deal with their own problems right now. For the first time in a very very long time I was actually alone and then you start worrying what do you actually do with yourself? You move and think oh I will make friends in no time, but then the pandemic hits and you realize how will I make friends if I can’t actually go outside and meet people? I know there is a pandemic going on and I am thinking about making friends it just feels so silly but it’s just another fear on top of other everyday fears that contribute to the overall wellbeing which is not really existing in times like this.
And when you think it can’t get any worse…
On top of all the corona virus issues riots had started in Los Angeles. Peaceful protesters were protesting the death of George Floyd and some people felt as if it was the right time to use these peaceful protests to loot and riot across the city. It’s been going on for a few days and luckily after a while the riots stopped. It’s been super scary and involved a lot of emotions. I am sure you all felt that way in some form or the other. Why would someone use those protests to burn down houses/cars, loot stores, bring guns outside etc. Why would you distract the media from the important message of the protest and redirect them towards the riots and looting. I haven’t left my house again in a week during that time and I really felt alone and worried a lot, haven’t slept much either. It feels weird to even write about my problems, they seem so small now with everything that’s happening outside. Of course, it’s a lot but I am fine and I am not worried to go outside and get shot or stopped by the police whenever I leave my house. I’ve been watching some videos too and talked to people about everything that’s happening and it’s just disturbing. Having to tell your children how to behave in public, what to say and what not to say, so they come back home save. What is this world we live in where it matters what you look like and where you come from? I hadn’t actually realized how much of a problem this was and wasn’t able to relate as much as I come from a rather small country and haven’t actually had to deal first hand with issues like that in the past, but seeing all that happening in the past few days has been an eye opener. No one should have to live like that ever, no matter where they are from, which skin color you have, how you have been brought up or how much money you have. It’s been a lot seeing all that. On top of being along and being scared and not knowing what to actually do about it. People talk a lot about these issues and it’s very important but how do you actually feel if you don’t know what to say or do? It’s not ok and it’s difficult to say the right things. I am sure you feel the same way at times not knowing what to say or do and that’s ok, there are other ways to help by donating or just helping each other.
How does that make you feel?
Looking back at the last 2 months I have dealt with a lot of issues that just concerned myself and that I have been putting off for a very long time. People that I wanted to keep in my life for no reason, unanswered questions that I had in my head about what I wanted to be and where I want to be and most importantly who I wanted to be. I finally got to deal with some of those questions, well I had the time just being home and all and I realized there are so many things out there that are way worse, yes everyone has their own problems and that is just how life works but it just always makes me sad why is it that in time like these I am reminded that I am actually doing OK.
Again, it feels weird since there are other more important things out there to even talk about my own feeling, but I have felt out of place, scared, unprotected, and alone. Wondering was moving to a country with issues like that, with violence like that, with not the best support from their own country the right choice.? Hearing people talk about getting a gun, a riffle, a machete lets me wonder what I got myself into. Is it the right move to live somewhere where you need all those things to actually feel save? Save in your own home, save only when you have either of those things that protect you?
I am not American and I don’t understand all of the issues a 100%, I am sure of that but could this be a sign that I just don’t belong here or that I am not strong enough to handle all those things, or is it a sign that I did move here to become stronger and to handle things that are outside of my comfort zone or my I don’t know what to do thoughts?
What I can tell you though, it’s a good thing to move abroad it helps you grow even if things don’t always go as planned, not going to say it’s a good thing the pandemic happened and definitely not supporting riots or looting but Covid did gave me time I needed and a tiny little bit helped me grow and open up my eyes to issues in this world.
Bad things happen and will scare you and exhaust you, make you feel unsafe, but you are strong you will grow from this, you have people in your life that love you even if they are far away and that will be there for you should you ever need them. Its ok to be alone and its ok not to be or not wanting to be. You can wonder what made you move to a new country or do things a certain way, you just need to figure out if it’s for you. There is no harm in admitting that it’s not for you and then you just get your things and move on.